Trouble In Hooterville

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I am about to let you in on a little secret.

Something about me.
 Something very few people know..


Not like a “kinda hate”…I’m talking full-blown-LOATHING.
Seriously. Those dang things are the bane of my existence.

No, I don’t “free-boob it”… I do wear something.

Sports Bras to be exact. They have been incredibly comfortable, somewhat supportive, and my fav for YEARS.

So… I’m happy…my “girls” are happy…..why fix what’s not broken?

Maybe it’s social pressure. Maybe it’s dissension in the household.

Hubs has a special name for my bras. It’s either “t*t-smashers” or “passion-killers”….. I can’t ‘member which.

BUT like I say, I’ve been perfectly happy. I am all about comfort. If I could go to work in my jammies, I’d be a happy girl. BUT recently I’ve noticed something.

It’s My Girls. You know…The Twins…Helga and Olga? They mysteriously seem to be headin south. Some where towards the vicinity of my belt loops. It’s been downright perplexing.

And since I don’t what to be ‘tucking them in” with my shirts in a few years, I figured I better take action. So I bought a Bra. A snazzy little Clearance Rack Number from Wally-World (hey, why invest a chunk of change if I’m gonna hate the damn thing, right?)

To me, it looked alot like THIS….

Does a matching suit-of-armour come with these things? It screamed “itchy!!!” It wreaked of Tug And Squirm.
But I bought it anyway, took it home, and put it on.
I lasted two hours.

Dear LORD people! How do you STAND these things?????!!! Are they supposed to feel like… THIS?????  I gritted my teeth and dug down deep. I kept the itchy,binding, always-slipping-strap-thing on and suffered. It sucked. But I resisted the urge to rip it off and run through my place of employment shrieking, “I’m free! I am FREEEEEEEEE!” Just barely though.

I even valiantly tried to keep it on once I got home. Hubs asked why I was so crabby. The kids steered clear. I squirmed and chaffed, determined to get $10.95 worth of wear our of this effin thing.

Honestly, this torture device felt like wearing this:

Finally, I could take no more. Off it came. Out came the favorite Sports Bra my hubby affectionately (NOT) calls The Grey Goose. My Harness Bra now sits in a drawer neglected. Ahhhhhhhhh.

So be it. Victoria Secret will never be my BFF. I’ve committed myself to having to rig up some sort of t*t sling when I am 80.

How do you people wear those damn things????

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About Becky Flansburg

Becky Flansburg is freelance writer, blogger and virtual assistant living in Northern Minnesota. A dedicated mom to two beautiful kids, her veteran blog is filled with laughter and love about the joys parenthood. Becky is also committed to helping women realize their work-from-home dreams, enjoy life beyond the cubicle and find clarity in the work/life/family balance. Connect with Becky via her website, Twitter, Facebook and Pinterest



8 thoughts on “Trouble In Hooterville

  1. Sorry pal, but you’re going to have to invest some money if you want happy ta tas. VS makes some awesome seamless, wireless bras that are actually comfortable. I have found these to be the best investment for gravity challenged yahoos. I stick with Oprah on the concept of getting fitted for a bra – and no hubs does not get to help and or watch! Get yourself to that pretty pink store and drop a wad of cash – everyone will be happier!

  2. Shannon is very wise. I won’t buy anything other than VS. They actually have a brand that doesn’t have an underwire and is still very supportive. They are worth the cash. Shall we make a trek to St. Cloud? 😀

  3. Oh my goodness… needed that laughter this morning. I thought I was reading about myself!I am not sure who the heck designed the boulder holder but they should have their heads examined.
    I have been fitted for the “perfect” bra …perfect bra is like a perfect man (just my opinion)there is not one! The underwire bra, I would like to know how anyone can handle all the pinching and poking? Thinking of investing in duct tape and just tape them babies up!

  4. Ha, ha! I am with you, girl! Sports bras it is. I found nothing else was comfortable during my last pregnancy and haven’t quit wearing them since.

    For me it’s all about the fabric. It’s so hard to find mostly cotton bras. I certainly don’t have the time for energy for a seach either. Good luck on the hunt! 🙂

  5. Last year when I thought I was allergic to latex, I bought a bra that is all cotton, no latex. It is probably a cross between a regular bra and a sports bra when it comes to looks. You might check it out. The brand is Cottonique and I bought it online.
    Hope you find something you like!

  6. So funny you should post this..I’ve always bought VS and they’ve lasted me YEARS~ Now after 2 babies I needed some new ones (nursing bras can only work for so long ya know) and figured I’d brave it and headed to Kohls with my Kohls Cash and a gift card. HA. There’s a reason I spend the $50 to get fitted and the help I need. I did find one after trying on like 30 bras. It’s booring but it fits and I can’t tell I have it on.

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